THREE TROUT FLY-FISHING GOLDEN RULES

  Three absolutely mandatory rules or methodology exists which determine who among the millions of fly fishing sportsmen are going to consistently find catch and release trout. It is said perhaps seven million fly fishers explore the many rivers and streams all over North America. I would guess that less then twenty percent regularly find and fool trout regardless of conditions. Company's that sell everything from rods to flies claim one will become a more successful fly fisher by buying their product, this mind set is not going to help you do anything but spend your hard earned money and give you more weight to carry!

  Stealth, presentation and complete understanding of your need to become almost invisible and blend into shadows, crouch behind bushes and rocks and cast no shadows on waters or make any unwanted noise while surveying possible opportunities is your most important rule.

Scarlet Midge

Hook: Dry fly #16-18 Barbless
Thread: Red
Tail: Grizzly tips
Body: Deep red thread or stripped red quill
Hackle: Dark black thickly wound

  When one loudly crashes through brush dead sticks cracking while your shadow and loud vibrations warn all game fish to become invisible until you leave. If one very slowly approaches new stream, rivers, ponds and watches from long distance for fish rising or where the currents and large boulders slow currents. Your chances have already increased greatly, right next to the waters edge under those bushes or under that fallen tree limb or just in front of that boulder where the water slows may be your first cast? You may have only two or three casts before resident trout know you're an invader. If you start wading and splashing and disturbing the peaceful natural order, your finished because you have alerted all trout and they will not be fooled. If you get in the habit of not wading unless necessary, making no overt noises of any kind and never casting shadows on the water while staying well back from potential areas. Your on the way to changing your luck. If you fly fish with friends, make it a rule to stop talking and separate some distance before throwing bugs. Learn to move slowly and wait and see what activity is happening before your slow approach and from some distance from waters edge you make a quiet dead drift and bang, a nice trout....

  Presentation of your choice pattern is critical and ought to be well thought out after first either visually sighting what resident trout are reacting to or in a place well away from your possible throwing area you have lifted a small boulder or branch and sifted in your hand or through a seine whatever matter, insects exist? Without a doubt you have uncovered a lovely splash of slimy dark green buggy matter that will give you clues as to what patterns may be effective? If your not truly certain what pattern to use, maybe you have either researched this new water on the world wide web or you have taken the bull by the short and curlies and bought several local patterns from that neat guy at the local fly shop? Now because you have not splashed around and sent all trout into hiding, you have noticed two nice trout gently rising after tiny whitish colored bugs that look like Pale Morning Dun's. Your first choice is a #20 PMD with a #18 Mosquito used as a second searching fly. You are now half hiding behind a large tree and side cast quietly so as to barely get into that feeding lane and then you allow the two flies to dead drift the length of the run... A 16 inch rainbow slurps your PMD and the fun begins.

Darth Vader Midge

Hook: Dry Fly # 16-18 Barbless
Thread: Very Black thread
Body: Jet Black dubbing or extra thick black thread tied full
Tail: Black hackle tips

  Invisibility is your best fly fishing friend and if mastered will allow you to almost always succeed in finding and fooling all game fish especially wily trout.This is the most important and most difficult fly fishing lesson to learn! I spend 100 or more days a year on many rivers, streams and without fail come across fly fishers of all ages who set up a kind of mini battle zone stream side upon their noisy arrival. These pathetic well meaning sportsmen and woman usually are carrying all manner of unwieldy gear and bags and coolers and packs. They flop their gear down and then scramble out into the current and begin slashing and effectively warning and scattering all resident trout in every direction. Upon this first mindless assault while destroying stream beds and displacing insect larvae and generally destroying the natural order, they then yell out across the way for their buddy, "Hey Jimbo, any luck?". These sad uneducated fly fishers rarely catch fish and surely keep the fly fishing schools full and comfortable because once they begin to understand how difficult fly fishing is they move on to couch potatoeism and park that too expensive junk in the closet. 

  On way to understand the natural order and peace that exists on all rivers and streams where man is not present is to spend many mornings just sitting and watching a river or stream. As you will discern it is a peaceful almost poetic place where movement and sounds are barely discernable. Everything about you Mr. And Mrs. Fly fisher is noisy, smelly, large looming, vibration making alien being in this quiet peaceful atmosphere! You are the alien that does not belong and is a threat, the sooner you realize and compensate your fly fishing skills will begin to serve you well instead of announcing your most unwelcome arrival.

  Fletcher and his shiny new semi holy triad led by his supreme most holy of all men the Dali Lama, just reinstated at the rank of lieutenant General in his beloved Marine Corps are trying to adjust to the effects of a secret ancient keltic fairies sight giving ointment that has been rubbed into their eyes. His Holiness has led the boys in the black night flying into the haunted Golden Gate Park where long deceased police officers give tickits that are meaningless, where ghosts of heartbroken lovers appear hitch hiking the foggy early hours then disappear. The Dali Lama is about to introduce the lads to the man in charge Mr. Mayor of the invisible inaudible little people city that exists under San Francisco's Golden Gate Park.

  This urban park and many of the neighborhoods like the Haight Ashbury district are littered with wandering lost souls of famous bad boys and girls. Jim Jones and his purple cool aid, Charlie Manson and his girls, Anton Levy and his international devil worshipers, pirate ship captains have left many ghosts that haunt the coveted confines of the wealthy like Sea Cliff and St. Francis Wood. Witches and ghosts of lost souls rich and poor mingle in the foggy late morning hours when the park above ground is not quite as spooky as the invisible city underneath among the gnarled roots lie a network of working laboratories and soul spirit work led by the Holy little people Abbot himself the incarnated spirit of Sam Kinison still screaming insane, only now working for another much higher order. Maybe higher then the Hollywood Friar's Club baby.

"Oh Man, Quill I ain't hung with your scholarly centeredness since I bought that bit from you when you lived on the Sausalito houseboat man! Listen your all here just at a critical moment. We have discovered several home made DVD's and hardcopy photos of a guy named Bill O' Really who just made an idiot of himself asking for San Francisco to leave the union and while your at it blow up that Coit Tower as well! These photos of Mr. O'Really as you can see were taken during the annual Gay Pride Parade. Now I think and I'm certain his Holiness the Dali Lama will agree, temperance and disgression will show compassion for Billy boy and we all can only benefit..."

"Very good Samuel, your spirit has become a healing one as I thought it would. This is the perfect place for you to work your new healing loving routines. Now how about a tour for my new associates in peace and mercy and forgiveness... Oh my Holy Abbot you want to work a little with the Irish spirit Gods led by Dagda that wants to take the O out of Mr. Really's name, another moment for Frisco compassion for a lost brother."

"Yes your Holiness this underground faerie, little people, magic shaman ruled place is a kind of mischief, mayhem, dastardly deeds done dirt cheap invisible world fully functioning just under Golden Gate Park dispensing kindness and forgiveness and abit of mischief!"

"You guys have arrived at a perfect moment because we also have many complaints from different parts of the city complaining about last nights Rolling Stones concert! Now don't worry Quill your duet with Keith on "Happy" was inspired and heard all the way to Daly City Mr.Secratary of The Interior. We will be downplaying and watering down these old sour puss complainers, man, THAT AIN"T the San Francisco I remember hey Fletch?"

"No way Sam, great to see you in spirit form I know the Bobcat really miss's you dude. So what else is going on down here now that Duke and I can see. You know we are back on stage with the Glimmer twins for the last show, they been told to turn it down and not wake up the aging stoner conservative whipped new breed Californian's Sammy baby, if you can dig that!"

"Today is a great example, we got to figure out how to either kill or trumpet all this great stuff that we get first here in the spirit world. We decide who and how this killer life wrecker fortune maker stuff gets into the material world up stairs. So Maybe we ought sprinkle back to the magic 1960s its only rock n roll but we like it dust all over the city tonight dudes??"

"You mean you can do what ever you want with the Bill O"Really photos? Man, we gotta let San Francisco aging hippies have both barrels tonight Sammy Baby. Now about those O"Really photos?'

"Oh yeah, we can alter them and the story and play it off as a fake, or we can make it real and give the credit to any one we want!"

"How about I trade you straight across for a 2005 Hyannisport Thanksgiving Dinner tape in which Teddy leans over to Arnold and says, " How sore is that rock hard ass of your's Mr. Terminator after bouncing out of California politics?"

"Got one better for you fly fool, how about we get secret video of Scooty and Hillery and maybe Ophra back stage dishing all the aging over weight babes dudes?"

"Well I see mischief does play a role down here hey Sam, how about we show the boys the options available to them now that they are privy to real power that runs the material sunlit world. Oh one more thing boys if you remember to access www.sfdahlia.org on any search engine a link to this faire world is opened. One more FYI for you Fletcher, Timba your beloved cat has been transferred to the private jet waiting for us. As you requested your two 200 mile per hour turbo charged custom Orange County Choppers are hot and waiting, your Ferrari has been taken back to Sea cliff. I will ride with you sir when we head back above ground."

"Man, you guys are going to love my rocket bikes, they all do zero to hundred in six seconds with passengers, we gonna fly my main mangod posse. So Sammy give us the tour dude!"

"Over here we keep the souls of all the great San Francisco funny men and society woman who really ran the city's never ending parties. As you can see these souls are kept in carved colored crystal vases that vibrate at that most creative pitch!"

"We, I mean I and my team can activate any of these souls for whatever mischief or rumor or mayhem or whatever, for whatever length of time. We meet with the little people royal family and the Brownie, Kelpie Kings every three days and they with us decide what our goals, mischief or whatever will be used that week."

"Man oh man, I always knew this park was magic and deep into spirits and all things old and fuzzy scary fun, like the many ghosts I used to see in my apt near the Cliff house. That residence was awash in other worldly goings on. In fact that is where I first met Tommy of the Haunted Haight Tour dealy, he came over to help me find peace and safe peace with a 1700s Spanish ship Captain with a real bad attitude!"

"Well Fletcher my old comedy club buddy, man I remember the night you bailed at the Keystone comedy club 12 midnight dude you had 10 minutes and you got scared and bailed after selling me that great bit about blonds."

"That reminds me Sammy Baby, Duke I gotta get to secure lap top and work on my Blond Book, gotta have that third chapter dude, " Colors and why your blond has to understand Colors " Oh yeah, so Duke are we both back in the active duty Green Machine buddy?"

"Well you know I can't ever get out and it appears Jarhead your pathetic bag of tricks is also needed! I mean didn't you drive combat night patrols in big trucks and pulled one man guard on the Danang outside ring at night for thirteen months as a 17 year old private?"

"Duke, I think I'll stay in the reserve and let you get back into house to house and rampant pest control from extreme long distances. Man, they gonna let a two star work your sniper gig dude?"

"Why not, after your raggedy ups and downs in my beloved Green Beast they let you wear two stars, Dude we might have to swing by the Marines Memorial Club and get my two thousand yard Remington for the careful flight home with your Holiness Mr. Secretary?"

His specialness the Abbot A.K.A. Sammy Kinison has been leading the boys on a royal five mile tour that includes secret potion reduction laser genetic interference zones and human observation areas and Spirit human interaction hot spots where humans are given information and set upon their fated rounds as is the desire of the always mischievous Abbot and his high council of long perished major gods and leading spirits from Thor, Zeus, Diana, Artemis, Bacchus, Poseidon, Dagda, the spirits of Frank Sinatra, Elvis, Al Joelson, Jean Harlow, Claudette Colbert, Clark Gable, May West, Wyatt Earp, Bat Masterson, Alexander The Great, King Tut, Marilyn Monroe, Teddy Roosevelt, Milton Berle, Shecky Green, Dean Martin.

"Please tell me Sam, are you having as much fun as it appears?"

"Your Holiness, I hear those insanely loud motorcycles warming up top, are you sure you trust Fletcher's driving?"

"One more little tiny thing left to show you and duke, the real reason I brought you down here to Sammyville. In front of you there are six crystal time manipulation vessels that hold three different kinds or types of human beings you two could have evolved into. Let me make this very clear in as much as this is one of the supreme secrets of life gentlemen. You see that brighter colored vessel to the left. That is you Duke if you had not become the global sniper international pest control agent. This version of you is the devout family man! Here is one of your incarnations Fletcher, you could have become the scientist instead of a grave robbing fly tier with famous friends. Now I have brought you both here because you now have earned whatever reality you wish to have. I and Sammy and other shaman's believe you two can help the world become sane and peaceful once again. Now think carefully before answering, let us get up into the material world and off to the airport."

  As the three airport bound supercharged cyclists ajust their cool color keyed helmets, La Sharon interruppts the silence, " Quill, is your ass on that jet yet?"

"We are in route as you speak your blondness, so how is my castle? Me and Timba will be lunching on Irish biscuits and sardines, single malts dreaming Irish dreams... "

  The two supercharged semi holy home bound almost holy men hit Hiway #280 at 150 plus and taking no prisoners Fletcher and Duke give his holiness a ride to remember as the long ribbon of concrete heads toward San Francisco International Airport where local Quill staff will take the hot bikes back to Sea Cliff as the boys become castle bound....

(Will Timba and Sharon and Duke become one happy family? An old fashioned Irish Holiday!)